Stigma. Some poz guys here have said they don’t experience much of it. Other have said “are you crazy? It’s everywhere!” My response is somewhere in the middle; I’m fortunate not to have to bear the brunt of it - much - in my daily life. Being out about being poz helps see to that. But I see it around me, impacting on others all the time, and I certainly see it directed at us poz guys collectively, all the time.

Often it’s because we are portrayed in the media (like in that Globe and Mail article) or even in our own community (like some of the remarks provoked by that gay.com feature) as being complacent about the risk of HIV transmission, or worse, acting “irresponsibly”.  Vectors of disease, in fact, only interested in our own gratification, with no concern about infecting others.

That’s highly stigmatizing language of course. But if we argue that kind of talk is an unfair and erroneous characterization, we’re accused of “pussyfooting.”   (I hate that term. by the way.)

Here are the three main arguments I and others make against charges of “irresponsibility”:

• most poz guys play safe
• the evidence suggests that its neg guys who don’t know they are poz, with resultant high viral loads, who are the source of most new infections
• where “irresponsibility” exists, it does so in both poz and neg guys, so concentrating on the problem in just one of those communities is unfair and unproductive.

All of these facts are true.

What we don’t deal with so well, perhaps, are the exceptions. We know some poz guys out there struggle, have slip-ups, have self-respect problems and are saddled with a host of factors which make their sexual health, and even that of others they have sex with, not a top priority in their lives. Not unlike some neg guys, in fact. For poz guys, the added impact of stigma doesn’t help, in fact it’s at the root of many of the problems poz guys face. But it strikes me that we poz guys are slightly reluctant to acknowledge that those problems do exist in the poz community and that they sometimes manifest themselves in risky behaviours, like fucking without condoms. It happens. It’s better, I think, to acknowledge that than to sweep it under the carpet.

It’s also helpful, and perhaps even essential, to acknowledge that we can do something about it.  In my next post, I’ll talk about what I see as some of those ways. But in the meantime, I’d be interested in what others think. Do we poz guys hurt ourselves by suggesting we all practice safer sex, all the time, that the problem is solely in the neg community, not ours, that it’s all about testing, or in the other ways we routinely deflect criticism?

And if there is a problem out there, how do we deal with it?

I can’t lay my hands on Canadian data but I came across UK numbers (Gay Men’s Sex Survey, 2005) which found that 70% of neg guys expect a partner with HIV to disclose their HIV status.  And that the same 70% are using disclosure - or perhaps lack of it - as a basis for safer sex decisions.

Hmmmm

Striks me there are some mighty dangerous assumptions being made there.   But what do you think?

In my last post, I jokingly remarked that abstinence seemed attractive. This was in response to the notion that criminal law is leading us to a place where poz guys will have to have a signed pre-hookup contract. Because, we’re told, we’ll need it in writing that we’ve discussed our sero-status before doing the nookie thing, or risk getting prosecuted.   Jeez!

But a new study of poz guys out of BC tells us that abstinence isn’t such a good thing. Researchers measured how much those BC poz guys were getting their rocks off and correlated that data against their quality of life. Turns out that 70% were having sex (although not necessarily during the interview itself ***giggle***) while the remaining 30% were - errmmm - just resting. And didn’t you know it, the 70% scored way better on all the quality of life measurements.

In plain language, it seems sex is good for poz guys’ well-being. Which is hardly a surprise because isn’t sex good for anybody’s well-being? (Sometimes I think in looking at us like laboratory animals, studies stigmatize us in ways the researchers don’t even dream of.)

But anyway, the question arises, if the numbers are to be believed, why are 30% of poz guys choosing abstinence?  It seems a rather drastic prevention strategy, and one we’ve had fun knocking the Bush administration for years for promoting.

I do know when I was first diagnosed, I though that was the end of sex for me. Happiness too. Those thoughts didn’t last long though - I can’t remember how long, because it was a long time ago, and my brain cells are - errmmm - just resting.  But apparently choosing not to have sex is a natural reaction to diagnosis, if only for a little while. But that shouldn’t account for 30%.

I’m not sure there aren’t plenty of people out there who’d rather we didn’t have sex though.  Ever! Certainly it’s clear there are plenty of neg guys who don’t want to have sex with us at all, safe sex or not; its just too yucky.  And if they don’t want to have even SAFE sex with us, I think we need to know what’s going on here. Would negs be happier if we poz guys just had sex with each other, so that negs stay “clean”. Or would they prefer we not have sex at all. I need to know.

Any 30%ers want to step in and help us understand all this abstinence stuff?

70%ers can step in too. I think this site is sex positive, but just how are we doing as a community to promote a sex-positive environment for all of us in the age of HIV?

And why is it that straights don’t seem to have this problem, judging by this ad :  watch?v=ro-mXyA0MCI 

I think one of the problems with safer sex is that it’s become waaaaay to closely connected with condom use. Sometimes the two seem almost inseparable. What’s up with that?

My negative partner was checking out this very web site the other day with his usual eagle eye and stopped at the first question posed by one of the strippers in the Explicit Truth section. (You do know we have strippers, don’t you?) “This answer doesn’t make sense” he said. (He never really did have an eye for strippers. I don’t know what’s wrong with him!)

Here’s the question and response that he’d zeroed in on:

 Q: Gay guys are abandoning condoms, True or False.

A: False; Whether we have HIV or not, most of us play safe most of the time. In a 2005 study, 70% of guys reported sex lives with little or no risk of HIV transmission.

That answer is a bit of a non sequitur, so I’m guessing it won’t be just my partner scratching his head on that one. I’m sort of OK with that, though; thinking is always good in my book. But I’m not so OK with the implication that safer sex equals condoms, as if the two terms are interchangeable. That’s clearly not the intent here, I know. In fact this site has a good little section that explains what safer sex can be. You can see that here: http://www.hivstigma.com/safer_sex.php   It’s a far more inclusive list than just condom use, and rightly so.

It’s my take that condoms are a bit of a dog as a prevention methodology. Attempts to eroticize their use as a prevention strategy work for some, but clearly not for others. Some guys will tell you that sex feels better without them, that they kill the mood, that they turn Mr Big and Tall in to Misterr Softeee. BUT, despite all this, a tribute to our collective good sense I think, they are still a staple of every gays guy’s night-stand . More often than not they’re used when they need to be used.  Or - and I think this is important - many guys find other ways to reduce risk. Collective pats on the backs, folks!

But I do wish we had something better for what some see as our prime defence against HIV. In the mean time, I think it’s productive to question whether condoms are the be all and end all of safer sex.

And while we’re on the subject of finding new prevention technologies, I’ve read a lot about circumcision lately. Don’t get me started about that . . .

By coincidence, I put up a photograph in my office yesterday. (We’re in a new home and still in the decorating phase.) It’s a photo I took at the International AIDS Conference in Toronto of the work of a Brazilian artist who works entirely with condoms. She makes fab dresses out of them, in fact. I like the way how she sees condoms in an entirely different light to the rest of us  . .  .  .  .