Feb 2/09 HIV stigma radiates from behind the bench


It always pains me to look at comments left on Xtra, or any other gay venue when it comes to issues regarding HIV and disclosure.

Sky Gilbert ran a piece regarding a case where a positive fellow infected 13 women here in Ontario. Always, when I am on this subject, I have to run the disclaimer that I would never support this behaviour. This is wilful and intentional harm to the women he exposed.

The article spoke to some of the implications of this court case and the grey area of sex, disclose, and what is and isn’t illegal.

Really, to only reason why I went through the comments was to find something for a post here. Otherwise I dare not go near.

To my surprise the majority of comments were ones that seemed more or less enlightened. On fellow who was closeted about his status wrote, and I was glad he did.

Once again, I got on my soapbox and started writing away to leave a comment. Near the end, I said to myself, “Ah screw it.”

However, I did copy this comment to leave here, and I’d like to get other people’s thoughts on it. I thought this fellow responded very well.

“But I find it hard to sympathize with HIV-positive people who complain that being forced to disclose every time cuts down on the pool of potential sex partners. Too bad!” — I am so sick of hearing this idea that I *have* to say something. This is not the reason people don’t disclose. The reason we don’t disclose is because you can’t control gossip and everyone around you can treat you differently when they know, from the workplace to the bar to family. It changes your life for the worse and that is not fair. A lot of negative folks say “that’s your opportunity to educate,” but that’s easy for them to say. I know many, many guys who regret how open they have been about their status. It doesn’t make stigma vanish. It makes life harder. Please believe me when I say that the risk of disclosure DOES NOT have to do with being greedy for sex. Calling BS, Toronto ON

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    I agree Rodger. I guess my point is, if someone really feels they need to have a discussion, then they should make sure it happens. Better yet, don’t engage in risky sex. I don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s choice regardless if they know my status or not. If it’s that important them, then to be frank, I don’t want to fuck them anyway, so best to get it out there. I’d rather have them running away before than freaking out after. Not that i get that with the open way I live my life.

    Everybody always frames it in terms of if they want to be with “us”. Well maybe I don’t want to be with you! There are a lot of guys because of their attitudes I’d have no interest. I’d never get together with someone who’d only want to jerk me off. Others might be ok with it, be as someone who has lived over 20 years with this, I’m over it. Either you are in, or you in or your are out. No grey here middle zone here of reassurance. I have enough stuff to deal with in my life, let alone take on someone else’s. That’s what ASOs, and information lines are for.

    Having said that. If someone is the “worried well” as we call them, it’s best they go only as far as they can go without causing unneeded worry and stress. I recognize that. We just wouldn’t be a great match.

  588. Rodger:

    Here is the key thing that stood out for me in Luis’s sharing of his story: “At that moment I felt betrayed, because I did not have all the information in order to make a decision.”

    I think we really need to take a closer look at the idea that someone who is negative (or unknown status) requires disclosure from the person who knows they are poz in order to have all the necessary information to make a decision about having sex with that person. Because personally, I don’t see this point as valid.

    People should know that it is risky to have unprotected sex with someone whose HIV status is unknown to them. And they should know that if they have safer sex with someone whose HIV is unknown to them, the situation is low-risk. They should also know that low-risk does not mean zero risk, as they should know in all other facets of life — such as crossing the street: ie, they know to always look both ways, and that this is always true, regardless of which drivers are, or are not, on the road.

    People should also know that STDs sometimes happen, and they should know which ones are easier to get (such as gonorrhea) and which are much harder to get (such as HIV). They should know that in either case, a person with an infection may not know that they have it. They should also know what steps they can take in order to reduce their personal risks.

    If a person knows all these things, does in fact, I would argue, possess all the necessary information to make decisions around what sexual activities they engage in.

    If a person doesn’t know these things, then the question is how do we as a community and a society increase the likelihood of them knowing all of them.

  589. Brian:

    The message of the story is that you have to figure out what works with you. Personally I think it’s nuts to engage in unprotected sex without the discussion, but still give that in Toronto 25% of guys who are positive do not know their status in the first place.

    This isn’t about being politically correct, it’s about open discussion. The reality if you simply leave all the responsibility does not fall on one person’s shoulders. Do you not have to take some ownership, beyond saying guilty as charged, that it’s not about two-way streets, its about your own personal behaviour and choices. It is just as much as your responsibility to bring up the conversation, if not more since it’s your body and life you want to protect. Why is that people who are HIV positive have to disclose for you to be responsible. It doesn’t add up.

    You’ve found what works for you. Only jerking off is a little extreme. If you find guys ok with that, that’s great. And like I said everyone has to find their own paths where they won’t be stressed out. For me, someone saying I’ll only jerk you off, I’d really be out of there. I’d feel like was a contaminant.

    How about taking time to really get to know the guy you are going have sex with. Have very open discussions about status and what that means. If any other sexual activity other than jerking off creates an anxiety, it suggest there is more work to be done.

    I don’t want this to sound overly critical as you have obviously gone beyond what most guys will do and gave it some thought and have found a place where you can move forward and not live in that constant anxiety.

    Hopefully your other guy there that night was educated to. You just cannot make assumptions. I’ve had a number of times when negative guys have asked me to fuck the without a condom. If it weren’t for me bringing up the subject, it could have very well have happened. Then that’s all I need, some guy running to Public Health because I assumed if some guy is going to bottom bare that he is either 1) positive or 2) really fucking crazy to such a thing.

    It turned out it was #2. As not sexy as it is, it’s got to come up.

    I try to joke about it sort of with my standard answer.” Are you negative or positive?” “Negative” “Well, you won’t be staying that way for much longer if I fuck you without a condom! Now let’s go get one..”

    Now, you’d think that would scare them away, but in every case they said, “OK” Hopefully it was an educational moment for them.

  590. Luis, District of Columbia:

    It is very difficult to be politically correct in this kind of issue; but regardless of the stigma, it is imperative to disclose that information to your sex partner. On my own personal experience I had sex with HIV positive people that were honest about that subject and I had no issues about it (well, to be honest, I was more aware about my moves, but it kind of went both ways, he did not want to put me in a risky situation, and I did not want to get the virus either.) But last year I met someone who I met at a club, engaged in unprotected sex (yes, guilty as charge) and then he disclosed his HIV status afterward. He thought that it was ok since I had sex with people who where HIV positive previously. At that moment I felt betrayed, because I did not have all the information in order to make a decision. But later, once the anger and the alcohol buzz dissipated (which took maybe 6 minutes at most) I thought that it took 2 persons to take sooo many assumptions. We talked a lot that very same night, his fear to disclose his status, the fact that he was still a person who deserved happiness in his life, and how lonely he felt sometimes. I empathized with his feelings but still I thought that it was not fair for me not to be informed previously. I think people (including myself) engage in risky behaviors every now and then; but what I learned from that experience is: to be more careful, to avoid unprotected sex, and J.O. before going out, it actually makes the night less stressfull and more enjoyable. :)

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