My voice.
I lied, I wrote a post here this morning saying it’d be my last for the weekend. Here I am though, more awake, feeling less fogged up from a cold, and on top of it all, finding myself with some extra time in my very expensive boutique hotel here in Montreal.
This is just for one night for some meetings and I fly back tomorrow. Sometimes I joke with negative friends, “Now don’t be going out and getting this just because I manage to pull it off so glamorously! Many have tried only to be disappointed.”
That’s always my disclaimer. In fact, once, a long time ago, a friend came to my place just after going for his test result. He was still stressed and I couldn’t tell which way it went.
Sitting beside me he looks at me, very seriously and says, “I went and it came back….and it was negative.”
Because I couldn’t believe how serious he was still about it, I consollingly put my hand on his knee and said, “You know, “A,” it’s ok, It’s not for everyone. Not everyone cam pull it as gracefully as I can. It takes a lot of work to make this effortless, it’s probably best this way.”
“A” had this look and then suddenly smiled. Unfortunately a few years later he did find himself to be positive, but it wasn’t me who welcomed him in to the club on that one.
For me, fighting against stigma has meant using humour. I have my blog, I joke about the AIDS star status system and how, and write how I became the Kathy Griffin of AIDS on my Blog, Acid Reflux Presents: My Life on the AIDS D-List.”
This is my way of just being myself, shocking people, and more or less thumbing my nose at anyone who wants to define me as “diseased, dirty, unclean” etc etc. By writing so openly and laughing at my life, I feel as if I’ve taken the power away from people like that.
This is the voice that I’ve created over the years. It’s kind of in your face, well a lot. I hope to provoke, and I even hope to make some feel uncomfortable.
I hated the acronym AIDS so f’ing much. I’d correct someone who suggested that I had “AIDS” in .5 of second and they’d never do it again. But now here I am throwing it around. Suddenly I’m not so bogged down by the word. I don’t have it, well, I did for about three weeks when my CD4 went below 200, but then it went up again and I went to being the average positive. Maybe I could still qualify as “poz, depraved and undetectable” skipping the healthy adj. all together.
This week I’ve been feeling not well, edgy, and well pretty cranky. It’s probably been obvious. But at least a 24 hour trip to a boutique hotel in Montreal for one day of meetings out to give my back my glamour card and boost my spirits.
I’m not sure the point of this post was, but what the hell.
Maybe it is, “What do you do to cope? These have been some of the ways I have, what about you?
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November 24, 2008 11:37 AM
This was such a nice surprise. I was away in Montreal over the weekend, hence not checking in. I’ve really wanted to try to foster these kinds of discussions.
I don’t know where to begin. I agree Vijay, even though many of the reasons for what we experience may be different, poverty, racism, being gay (something we share) the inside feelings are often then same. It’s nice to see someone else who turns things upside down with humour. It can be very empowering to take a situation and laugh at it.
David, I also agree physiological information and education for anyone testing positive is very lacking. Of course I’m generalizing, but often it’s about safer sex guidelines, getting to a doctor to do a baseline blood work up to see where viral load, and cd4 count are, among other things, and then treatment. There is a lot missed in between. It is normal now for me to book 30 min. appointments with my doctor as we always use up the time and I don’t feel I’m in a rush.
Alexander North York, isn’t it ironic (and not at all in a way to make light of the what a sad situation it is to die of alcoholism) that we think about our status in relation to relationships and then something like that happens. My approach is like yours, with the twist that the only thing I haven’t done is rented a billboard to advertise it. It sounds like the way to go.
And yes, Vijay is very cute. I don’t know why he’s single either, but somehow I think after this campaign, he’ll have a few phone numbers slipped his way:)
W. Oakville, thanks for sharing that. I also agree with your point of view. Being open with your status shows who your true friends are. My thoughts are why would I want a friend I felt I had to hide something from. First of all they are engaging in an inauthentic version of me, and secondly if they are gossipers etc, then I don’t want them as friends.
Having said that, I always make my disclaimer that everyone’s lives are different and everyone will deal with the challenges faced in different ways, and those ways will evolve over time.
November 23, 2008 05:14 PM
Hey Rodger,
Thanks. If you ever see me on the street, ask me out for a cup of coffee!!
November 23, 2008 08:05 AM
“my often bittering singleness” — Vijay, I don’t at all mean to trivialize your situation but I have to say when I read that my first thought was “OMG, how can Vijay be single — damn that guy is handsome!”
November 22, 2008 03:50 PM
Hey Brian. Just so you know, I really liked your post. It made me realize that as two gay men sharing a space in both the bustling streets of Toronto and on here in this cyber-wonderland, we share a lot more than I might have realized. True, I dont use humour to fight HIV stigma in my life. As a negative guy my experiences with poz-stigma might be from a different set of perspectives. But Humour and I are no strangers. Humour has been there for me when no one in class wanted to partner with the gay kid for school projects. It has brought me from being upset about my often bittering singleness to being able to laugh at myself. And mostly it has allowed me to understand why gay guys sometimes have to laugh at the world around them. The reality of showing any other emotion is just too much sometimes. So Brian, thanks for your post. It made me smile. If you ever get into Facebook, you would see that Humour would be listed as a mutual friend.
November 22, 2008 03:24 PM
I have been HIV+ since Summer of 1993. I have always informed every partner I have found about my HIV status. If they were comfortable, then we would get involved. If not, then it did not matter to me. I believe in honesty to be the best policy. I have lived with a HIV- man for 12 years. He passed away last year on March 21st. due to alcoholism, and fortunately his blood work was excellent. From the first day I informed him of my HIV status, and he was cool with it. After all, he was a Paramedic and a Registered Practical Nurse (RPN). My health has been excellent. I don’t drink, nor smoke, nor do drugs. Now I am ready to look for a new relationship; but I am going to be careful who I chose now.
November 22, 2008 10:09 AM
Hello,
I think that this website is amazing, awareness is key to protecting and connecting our community. As a Registered Nurse I was surprised at how little we learned at college about HIV. Nurses play a big role in the community with regards to Health Teaching and advocating on behalf of thier clients.
While training to be a nurse our focus was more on the “aging” and “senior” population. However I went to a very well known College and my overall experience was great. Nursing trains you to look at individuals with an empathetic approach, why are we not out there educating the public who don’t know about HIV.
I think that apart from all the education resources available, on how to play safe the novis needs to understand the physiological complications of HIV. Most people in my experience are able to give tons of information about their medical conditions; for example, somone with a heart problem genraly has a sound knowledge of what is happening to them physiologicaly, they understand how to manage this conditions and also what their family and friends should know about their condition.
Sad but true, a lot of people have very little knowledge with regards to what happens physically in the HIV patient. My point is, when you know more about the physiological conditions of a disease, it is then easier to understand it. People are interested in Medical information not only “safe sex” information. I bet if you were to survey a group of individuals as to the kind of television programing they watch, they would tell you that they watch at least one or two episodes of ER, House and so on. Medical “stuff” facinates viewers of all ages, sex, race or creed and orientation.
Once you understand what happens physiologicaly to the HIV patient, you then have valuable knowledge that gives you a better understandng of how the HIV patient deals with daily life, and “safe sex” is easier to understand.
November 21, 2008 10:45 PM
Brian Kudos for taking back your power and controling your status for yourself. I recently had this very discussion with two friends, one positive, the other not. I was suprised to hear them speak of keeping health status secretive. And I learn it is essentially to protect themselves in a social network of snooty fags. Fuck that…my perspective was that if they were any kinda of friends, they would understand and be supportive. If not…and you no longer measured up to their defininition of acceptablity…fuck’em! It would just be a matter of time before they found some reason anyway.
I have a dear friend who has been positive for years. He has better health and better perspective on life than I do. He is a role model and a teacher. He has let me go and stick my head in the sand as I did many years ago and he has welcomed me back fully understanding and accepting, as if nothing has changed.
I have been sick recently with a virus. Thinking about him gave me the courage to get tested this afternoon. I don’t know what the result will be. It could be positive. However, I know I will be fine regardless, and I feel proud that I am taking responsiblity for my health. I can’t go back and put condoms on all those cocks now…but in the future, I will be making better choices. Thanks for reading.