Here’s another one for you all, based on bumping into an Ex, yes I’ve had a few. This one, however, the most screwed up of them all.

Just take my advice on this one, if you meet a guy on the first date, and his last name is that of a serial killer, don’t go on a second date like I did.

When we got together, I was working and then went on disability and moved in with him. Another bit of advice, never move in for economic reasons alone.

The daily drinking when he came home from work turned into more and more, and of course, with my history, “no” wasn’t in my vocabulary at the time.

Things got messy, we were consuming 1000 dollars of GHB a month alone, not to mention the Crystal Meth, E, K, pot, and alcohol.

Suffice to say it was not pretty. At some point my survival instincts kicked in and I fled from this sinking ship. If I was going to jump off the Titanic, I was going to do it early while there were still life boats.

He continued on being a mess, a big one. He was negative, and was taking all sorts of risks. He was also obsessed with barebacking as a bottom.

At some point after I left, and I think he got into crack, he got online to invite someone over. He then proceeded to show all this barebacking porn. There was no discussion about serostatus. Mr. Crackhead clearly gave all the signals that he wanted a bare cock up his ass, and he got it.

The other guy was positive. Now let’s be clear here, I know both parties involved, and the messy one has put himself many a time into risky situations.

When Mr. Crackhead finds out he is positive, over the course of several events (to lengthy to go over here) he decides to blame Internet Date X.

Not only does he do that, he contacts Public Heath and makes Internet Date X life hell. That wasn’t enough though. Internet Date X was also involved in some other activities of which Mr. Crackhead knew of and proceeded to write a letter to those involved with that.

The sum of all of this was, Mr. Crackhead, drug addict spiraling on his way down,and constantly living on the edge, doing tons of drugs, and was pointing the finger of blame at someone else.

Of course this is standard practice for addicts, we don’t like to take responsibility, and like to play the role of victim quite often. I prefer to refer to myself as one in recovery, another topic not much discussed in our community. We certainly have no problem being a mess in public, but heaven forbid we should talk about it if it becomes a problem — a subject for another post. I was into the drug scene at this time as well, so I’m not thrown stones, if you know what I mean.

Internet Date X’s time with him was so brief that he can’t even remember what he looks like, but it was enough time to have a legacy that would destroy his reputation, and had public health calling for several years on a regular basis.

Mr. Crackhead then called me up with this was all happening to tell me he was “proud of himself” for what he had done.

I said, “Look [Crackhead]  you weren’t raped, you played the game and you lost. If you want to go down on a sinking ship don’t try to take anyone else with you, you made your choices.

I stand by that statement today. If you are going live recklessly don’t blame others. Yes it takes two to tango, and this is what happens when assumptions get made.

I still maintain, you gotta be a real something special to be negative and assume that only negative guys would fuck you, and the play the victim once you become positive.

I know, this is where the outcry begins, “What about the positive guy he should have said something.”

In a perfect world that would happen, but in this imperfect world where so many things affect our disclosure such as non-verbal communications and assumptions lend for a rather imperfect result.

Yes it still takes two to tango. This is an ongoing pattern of blame, which happens and public health is the weapon of choice. I have many other examples where they have been called on guys who weren’t even positive. It’s not always black and white as you see in this example. Personally I would have disclosed, but I wasn’t there. But given Mr. Crackhead’s history how could one person be the focus of a witch hunt, when I’ve seen Mr. Crackhead passed out on GHB more times that I can count.

All I can say is thank god he didn’t seroconvert when we where together.

This is why I plaster my name everywhere; I want to protect myself from the crazy guys.

That brief chance encounter yesterday left me with the feeling of, “Oh that was soooo ten years ago!”

This time of the year is high season in the world of HIV organizations. I’m presently attending a long series off all day meetings and have to fit in my moments here when I can.

I must admit that I am so relieved that the first initial comments have not been hateful negative messages left by those who lack to ability to converse about these subject in a meaningful and respectful way.

Hopefully this campaign will bring along some exchange of thought. One other thing I have to admit was that several years ago I had a huge chip on my shoulder about negative guys. The irony was that I’ve hardly had any negative experiences. I’d absorb me resentment passively through the stories friends told me.

More so too, the things I saw online also bothered me. I’d think “Why am I dealing with these kinds of guys?” When really my option was to do just like I did with the TV, change the channel if I didn’t like what I saw.

The most recent experience for me, although not a negative one in a classical sense, but one I was not used to dealing with for awhile was when I was approached by a younger guy to meet.

Finally we started to talk to meet, even though I had been apprehensive. Then suddenly he writes me to tell me he’s nervous about the HIV thing, but would still like to meet. “We didn’t have to do anything the first time.”

But you know, I get tired of having to be the support person for the guy who’s afraid to be with me. Unless I was madly in love, or crazy attracted or had some kind of investment in the guy that was going to last longer than an hour, I’d take the time, and risk, as well as through in some patients.

When this happens, I feel like a contagion who has to know counsel someone who is afraid to be with me. After twenty years, I’m not so sure in this day and age I feel like it so much more. In the 80s, and part of the 90s, it was one thing, but now, I’m not so sure.

However, I will never say never, so too speak.

On a footnote all my relationships, except for one, have been with negative guys. Being positive was the least of the list of issues we had to deal with, and that’s what I’m used to.