Of course HIV stigma in many instances goes hand in hand with homophobia or racism as well as other forms of stigma or discrimination so it can be hard to differentiate sometimes. This situation really got me wondering about how uncomfortable I might be for some HIV negative gay men who might be a bit more closeted in this small town. Simply speaking to an openly HIV positive gay man who has been in various media, including the local small town paper, might imply they are HIV positive or gay themselves. Whether rational or not, this fear is often present in these situations. While understandable to some extent it actually ends up contributing to this overall societal stigma as well as stigma within the gay men’s community.

David wrote about this in one of his entries where he referenced people’s assumptions about his status because he works in an AIDS Service Organization. It’s a similar situation with geography as the key factor this time.

I’m not sure how to impact this kind of stigma and fear but perhaps the internet and safe dialogue as well as the actions of residents within smaller communities like Bob are the first steps. I know my father was proud of the work I did and the openness with which I lived my life and perhaps he and his actions contributed to reducing HIV stigma in their town.

Unfortunately, HIV stigma is something that can be extra prevalent around the holiday season. Many of us have been deciding who we will visit and what our holiday will look like. HIV often comes into play. For many, HIV and other issues have resulted in families rejecting or disowning them. For others, “tolerance” is present at family gatherings. The decision that we have to make is whether being tolerated rather than fully accepted for who we are, is worth the visit. Not an easy question. Even for some like me who have been very lucky with supportive families (supportive now but not as much in the beginning), HIV stigma arises. I constantly and almost subconciously edit my thoughts during conversations. Do they really want to hear by relevent comment on this discussion if it’s going to remind them or challenge them in relation to HIV? When I visited my family this past week, I cut myself while helping my brother replace a window and found myself bleeding some. He didn’t notice but I was worried about how anxious it might make him. Not that he would stigmatize me but would his fear result in a reaction that might make me feel stigmatized? What would my role be in this?

Many questions and issues that arise around this season that can contribute to HIV stigma and this conversation. As people return to their routines, let me know your thoughts and experiences around how the holiday season may have impacted or contributed to someone’s experience of HIV stigme.

Cleaver Family Values
December 2003

Tramp. Vain. Exhibitionist. Sex pig. All names that have been used at one time or another to describe me. Sometimes used by me. So what is it about our social conditioning that so intrigues us with perceptions of our sexual behaviour that we dwell on those characteristics over and above all others?

After separating from my partner of over 10 years, I consciously chose to take some time with no responsibilities outside of work and focus on adjusting to living alone, being single, being single and HIV positive, forming healthy living habits (walking my dog instead of watching TV), becoming comfortable with myself as an individual as opposed to one half of a couple and of course, having fun. The “having fun” was really not something I consciously felt I needed to work on or accomplish but was an expression of my sexuality and sexual freedom which I had never had before (prior to my relationship, I had only been out a couple of years and was pretty naïve and vanilla although far from virgin). So why is it that people that have known me for many years, are suddenly defining me by the “having fun” component of my recent activities? Granted, I’m an exhibitionist and I am quite comfortable talking about my exploits. However, I have also very freely discussed the difficulties, struggles and rewards experienced through my other activities.

Last year, I found myself overwhelmed with the intensity of emotions I was feeling around someone who was supposed to be just another trick or fuck buddy and possible friend. As we spent a little more time together, it became clear that there was great mutual interest despite significant barriers to our pursuing anything. Of course I had to share this development with numerous friend. Expecting support and sighs of how sweet, I was taken aback at the surprise and outright disbelief expressed by my friends. It seems that the “having fun” part of my reputation had become so prominent in people’s minds that they couldn’t even fathom the idea of me settling down. Are my other attributes and activities of so little consequence that they are so easily forgotten? Did everyone forget that I had been in a long-term relationship previously?

My reaction to people’s responses has been somewhat mixed. I’ve felt some anger, surprise and disappointment. Part of me wants to show them all just how June Cleaver I can be with my white picket fence and monogamous relationship. The other part of me wants to create a unique and exciting relationship that works just for us. Certainly, I’ve learned that relationships have to be worked on and they do not have to look like the Cleaver family or the Bundy family.

When it comes down to it, I suppose I’m grateful for the reactions that I’ve received. They’ve helped me to question my emotions, evaluate what I want, challenge people’s perceptions and ultimately be more certain than ever that if the right guy comes along, I’ll be ready to settle down. Trust me, it will be a Cleaver family like you’ve never seen.

One of the challenges that we know exists in relation to HIV stigma in the gay men’s community is that many negative guys don’t realize that stigma exists within our own community. There is no question that Poz and Neg guys alike along with many of our lesbian friends stepped up and responded to HIV/AIDS when no one else would. Forcing the medical world to listen to our needs, creating care teams and support systems when the health care system wasn’t enough are only a few of the roles we’ve all played together. That shared history (and loss) makes it difficult for us to acknowledge that within the Poz community and within the Neg community, of gay men, we contribute to HIV stigma in subtle and unintentional ways.

Often times, this happens due to ignorance and lack of knowledge. When I was dating an ex, we were invited to a house party of one of his friends. The invitation was a little ackward because I was invited but they didn’t want me to go into the hot tub. They felt that some of their other friends might be nervous. I’ve gotten to know this couple better since and they are very supportive and great people. But at the time, their ignorance really contributed to HIVstigma. Talk about making me feel like a pariah! I know it was unintentional but the effect was the same.

Another time, this same ex was in a bar and someone who had had too much to drink came up to him and started commenting on my ex’s ex and his HIV status and that they knew my ex was dating me now and asking why he was dating Poz guys etc. It escalated and was so incredibly hurtful to my ex. Of course, I felt terrible knowing that by dating me, some members of the gay community were judging him. I also knew that their judgement was based on fear. Again, that didn’t change the fact that this person’s comments contributed to HIV stigma.

So many younger gay men haven’t had the experience of loss and the intensity of HIV/AIDS in their lives. As a result, sometimes, the level of ignorance of basic information results in their behaviour not only contributing to HIVstigma but also putting themsleves at risk.

Hopefully, this website and conversations in our community will open up this difficult discussion and provide a safe place for Poz and Neg guys to talk and understand our role in this.

HIV+
GM
LKG
4
SEX

A few years ago at the Toronto Pride celebrations, a very sexy man was wearing a T-shirt with the above caption. A take off on the many forms of classified ads that we thrive on in the gay community. It was so perfectly in your face that of course I had to get one.

Anonymous advertising allows gay men to say things that they might never say in public. Somehow, the idea that they might actually meet someone who has read their ad and therefore has certain expectations (like that you’re 6’2” when you’re just pushing 5”10 or that you’ve got 8 inches when it’s closer to 5) doesn’t seem to register.

Apparently men also seem to think that classified and internet jargon is a safe way to be insulting. Of course I understand that if you are into a scene or look, you might as well let people know that up front. It limits the responses you have to wade through. However, there are ways to do and not do this. I’ve been chatting with guys who’ve asked if I was clean. Well, no as a matter of fact, I just got in from mucking the pigs. Of course I’m clean! If you mean am I HIV positive, of course I am but ask what you mean. What you’re saying is that I’m dirty or unclean because I’m HIV positive. I would have thought even the most insensitive person could see how insulting that is.

Another common classified phrase is HIV-UB2. My emotions are a little more complicated on this one. I am beginning to understand the more subtle fears and emotions that might contribute to a negative person’s desire to limit there interactions to negative boys. From my experience, I do see this attitude as somewhat dangerous in most incidents. What is it that you would do differently if the guy were positive? If anything came to mind for you, you’re taking some pretty significant risks. Does the person know for sure if they’re negative or do they just not know that they’re positive?

Two of my friends who tested positive last summer have discussed with me the fact that the rejection rate for positive guys on the internet is disproportionately high compared to other venues where gay men meet. Again, this is not surprising to me. It is much easier to turn someone down on the computer when you have several other guys you’re chatting with at the same time and when all of them are basically just a picture on the screen.

Of course some of the jargon and internet situations trigger all sorts of personal emotions for me. If I’m single, they can emphasize my fears and insecurities about ever finding someone that would be interested in “damaged goods” like me. The person using classified jargon likely doesn’t realize how the phrases perpetuate concepts like people living with HIV being “damaged goods”.

There is a whole classified jargon that I am slowly starting to understand through discussions with friends. While generous, I’m not likely to pay for sex and party favours in my mind are the little birthday hats and streamers that decorate the tacky baby shower type of party. If I can commit to learning more about this jargon and being honest in my communications, do you think that others might consider being a little more conscientious about how there jargon contributes to an environment of stigma, hurt and division in our community?

I wanted to respond to some of the comments that have been made over the last week. Thanks to Nicholas for sharing your article. Well done. You’ve captured many issues related to stigma and how it impacts our community of gay men.

In response to Jeff’s comments, I want to recognize that fear of transmission can play a significant role in how people interact and communicate with each other. Add that to the use of an anonymous communication vehicle and other factors that may be at play for individuals and you can end up with really hurtful and inappropriate comments that actually contribute to the HIV stigma that this campaign is trying to reduce. Jeff, other participants to the blog provided really critical feedback to you about how your reasoning and expectations might actually be putting you at risk so I won’t add to those but I hope their comments have got you thinking. I’d also like to invite everyone to consider the impact of comments like Jeff’s if they were made and overheard in a public setting. Friends, acquaintances or strangers might not have disclosed their status and then hear comments that are incredibly hurtful. This is exactly the kind thing that contributes HIV stigma and it impacts the health and well being of all of us.

Guy, thanks for your heartfelt sharing. I really hope that this website provides the opportunity for you to discuss this more. I agree with Bob that although you are struggling, you also seem to be figuring things out. Understanding that stigma is at the root of your struggles is pretty insightful. One quick response to a piece of your entry is to let you know that I’ve been in a 10 yr relationship with a Poz person and a short one with a negative person prior to my current one. Ultimately, there are pros and cons to each from an emotional perspective and it ends up being about who the person is and if we can accept each other and the situation within the context of our love for each other.

Thanks again for everyone’s comments and I look forward to engaging in many more discussions as we move forward.

Even with the privilege that I feel I have in my life HIV stigma is alive and strong in my life. I hope that by sharing experiences and stories that people will have specific examples of how behavior which is often not intended to stigmatize, can have a significant impact on the overall health and well-being of another human being.