I have to apologize for not being as interactive as some of my colleagues on this site. It’s turned out to be really bad timing but I’ve had some exciting personal opportunities come up that have had to be responded to and are taking more time than expected. None the less, I’m really enjoying the opportunity to read everyone’s thoughts and experiences and the dialogue that has been created.

One of the challenges that we know exists in relation to HIV stigma in the gay men’s community is that many negative guys don’t realize that stigma exists within our own community. There is no question that Poz and Neg guys alike along with many of our lesbian friends stepped up and responded to HIV/AIDS when no one else would. Forcing the medical world to listen to our needs, creating care teams and support systems when the health care system wasn’t enough are only a few of the roles we’ve all played together. That shared history (and loss) makes it difficult for us to acknowledge that within the Poz community and within the Neg community, of gay men, we contribute to HIV stigma in subtle and unintentional ways.

Often times, this happens due to ignorance and lack of knowledge. When I was dating an ex, we were invited to a house party of one of his friends. The invitation was a little ackward because I was invited but they didn’t want me to go into the hot tub. They felt that some of their other friends might be nervous. I’ve gotten to know this couple better since and they are very supportive and great people. But at the time, their ignorance really contributed to HIVstigma. Talk about making me feel like a pariah! I know it was unintentional but the effect was the same.

Another time, this same ex was in a bar and someone who had had too much to drink came up to him and started commenting on my ex’s ex and his HIV status and that they knew my ex was dating me now and asking why he was dating Poz guys etc. It escalated and was so incredibly hurtful to my ex. Of course, I felt terrible knowing that by dating me, some members of the gay community were judging him. I also knew that their judgement was based on fear. Again, that didn’t change the fact that this person’s comments contributed to HIV stigma.

So many younger gay men haven’t had the experience of loss and the intensity of HIV/AIDS in their lives. As a result, sometimes, the level of ignorance of basic information results in their behaviour not only contributing to HIVstigma but also putting themsleves at risk.

Hopefully, this website and conversations in our community will open up this difficult discussion and provide a safe place for Poz and Neg guys to talk and understand our role in this.

Below is an article I wrote several years ago for GayGuideToronto.com that I wanted to share. It touches on how as a community of gay men, we often interact on the internet in ways that contribute to HIV stigma.

HIV+
GM
LKG
4
SEX

A few years ago at the Toronto Pride celebrations, a very sexy man was wearing a T-shirt with the above caption. A take off on the many forms of classified ads that we thrive on in the gay community. It was so perfectly in your face that of course I had to get one.

Anonymous advertising allows gay men to say things that they might never say in public. Somehow, the idea that they might actually meet someone who has read their ad and therefore has certain expectations (like that you’re 6’2” when you’re just pushing 5”10 or that you’ve got 8 inches when it’s closer to 5) doesn’t seem to register.

Apparently men also seem to think that classified and internet jargon is a safe way to be insulting. Of course I understand that if you are into a scene or look, you might as well let people know that up front. It limits the responses you have to wade through. However, there are ways to do and not do this. I’ve been chatting with guys who’ve asked if I was clean. Well, no as a matter of fact, I just got in from mucking the pigs. Of course I’m clean! If you mean am I HIV positive, of course I am but ask what you mean. What you’re saying is that I’m dirty or unclean because I’m HIV positive. I would have thought even the most insensitive person could see how insulting that is.

Another common classified phrase is HIV-UB2. My emotions are a little more complicated on this one. I am beginning to understand the more subtle fears and emotions that might contribute to a negative person’s desire to limit there interactions to negative boys. From my experience, I do see this attitude as somewhat dangerous in most incidents. What is it that you would do differently if the guy were positive? If anything came to mind for you, you’re taking some pretty significant risks. Does the person know for sure if they’re negative or do they just not know that they’re positive?

Two of my friends who tested positive last summer have discussed with me the fact that the rejection rate for positive guys on the internet is disproportionately high compared to other venues where gay men meet. Again, this is not surprising to me. It is much easier to turn someone down on the computer when you have several other guys you’re chatting with at the same time and when all of them are basically just a picture on the screen.

Of course some of the jargon and internet situations trigger all sorts of personal emotions for me. If I’m single, they can emphasize my fears and insecurities about ever finding someone that would be interested in “damaged goods” like me. The person using classified jargon likely doesn’t realize how the phrases perpetuate concepts like people living with HIV being “damaged goods”.

There is a whole classified jargon that I am slowly starting to understand through discussions with friends. While generous, I’m not likely to pay for sex and party favours in my mind are the little birthday hats and streamers that decorate the tacky baby shower type of party. If I can commit to learning more about this jargon and being honest in my communications, do you think that others might consider being a little more conscientious about how there jargon contributes to an environment of stigma, hurt and division in our community?

Wow. Thanks to everyone for some amazing comments and sharing. I have to apologize for my absence during this first week. Bad timing but I was unavailable for over a week and haven’t been able to get online to follow things. I also want to express my appreciation for the words of support and encouragement from many of you. I have to say, it’s been quite moving to read them.

I wanted to respond to some of the comments that have been made over the last week. Thanks to Nicholas for sharing your article. Well done. You’ve captured many issues related to stigma and how it impacts our community of gay men.

In response to Jeff’s comments, I want to recognize that fear of transmission can play a significant role in how people interact and communicate with each other. Add that to the use of an anonymous communication vehicle and other factors that may be at play for individuals and you can end up with really hurtful and inappropriate comments that actually contribute to the HIV stigma that this campaign is trying to reduce. Jeff, other participants to the blog provided really critical feedback to you about how your reasoning and expectations might actually be putting you at risk so I won’t add to those but I hope their comments have got you thinking. I’d also like to invite everyone to consider the impact of comments like Jeff’s if they were made and overheard in a public setting. Friends, acquaintances or strangers might not have disclosed their status and then hear comments that are incredibly hurtful. This is exactly the kind thing that contributes HIV stigma and it impacts the health and well being of all of us.

Guy, thanks for your heartfelt sharing. I really hope that this website provides the opportunity for you to discuss this more. I agree with Bob that although you are struggling, you also seem to be figuring things out. Understanding that stigma is at the root of your struggles is pretty insightful. One quick response to a piece of your entry is to let you know that I’ve been in a 10 yr relationship with a Poz person and a short one with a negative person prior to my current one. Ultimately, there are pros and cons to each from an emotional perspective and it ends up being about who the person is and if we can accept each other and the situation within the context of our love for each other.

Thanks again for everyone’s comments and I look forward to engaging in many more discussions as we move forward.

In addition to living with HIV and doing related work, I’ve also been a caregiver and though my work, met some amazing people. As a white, educated, financially stable man, I feel that I have privilege and safety that many living with HIV do not have. I’ve always felt passionate about challenging people’s perspectives and hopefully changing how people think and therefore interact with one another. Many of the stories that I’ve heard are from people who couldn’t use their own voice and part of my passion and hope is to ensure that their voices are not forgotten.

Even with the privilege that I feel I have in my life HIV stigma is alive and strong in my life. I hope that by sharing experiences and stories that people will have specific examples of how behavior which is often not intended to stigmatize, can have a significant impact on the overall health and well-being of another human being.