Pariah
I have to apologize for not being as interactive as some of my colleagues on this site. It’s turned out to be really bad timing but I’ve had some exciting personal opportunities come up that have had to be responded to and are taking more time than expected. None the less, I’m really enjoying the opportunity to read everyone’s thoughts and experiences and the dialogue that has been created.
One of the challenges that we know exists in relation to HIV stigma in the gay men’s community is that many negative guys don’t realize that stigma exists within our own community. There is no question that Poz and Neg guys alike along with many of our lesbian friends stepped up and responded to HIV/AIDS when no one else would. Forcing the medical world to listen to our needs, creating care teams and support systems when the health care system wasn’t enough are only a few of the roles we’ve all played together. That shared history (and loss) makes it difficult for us to acknowledge that within the Poz community and within the Neg community, of gay men, we contribute to HIV stigma in subtle and unintentional ways.
Often times, this happens due to ignorance and lack of knowledge. When I was dating an ex, we were invited to a house party of one of his friends. The invitation was a little ackward because I was invited but they didn’t want me to go into the hot tub. They felt that some of their other friends might be nervous. I’ve gotten to know this couple better since and they are very supportive and great people. But at the time, their ignorance really contributed to HIVstigma. Talk about making me feel like a pariah! I know it was unintentional but the effect was the same.
Another time, this same ex was in a bar and someone who had had too much to drink came up to him and started commenting on my ex’s ex and his HIV status and that they knew my ex was dating me now and asking why he was dating Poz guys etc. It escalated and was so incredibly hurtful to my ex. Of course, I felt terrible knowing that by dating me, some members of the gay community were judging him. I also knew that their judgement was based on fear. Again, that didn’t change the fact that this person’s comments contributed to HIV stigma.
So many younger gay men haven’t had the experience of loss and the intensity of HIV/AIDS in their lives. As a result, sometimes, the level of ignorance of basic information results in their behaviour not only contributing to HIVstigma but also putting themsleves at risk.
Hopefully, this website and conversations in our community will open up this difficult discussion and provide a safe place for Poz and Neg guys to talk and understand our role in this.
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November 11, 2008 09:17 PM
Anonymous, that’s great news and I really appreciate that you took the time to let us know. It’s also really great that you were able to discuss your thoughts and fears and get some support and feedback to assist you with your decisions.
Dave, thanks for your comments. Again, much appreciated and you bring up many important and poignant things for us to remember!
November 11, 2008 11:13 AM
Anonymous, it is GREAT that you tested negative! Either way, it is so much better just to know. It is really worth it to stay negative as it gives you a lot less worries about the future.
Unfortunately it eventually happened to me that I became poz, but before that I got tested twice a year. I recommend it as it is always best to have up-to-date information on your health.
When you know you’re negative, I think it can be positive reinforcement about the fact that it is worth trying your very best to stay that way. If you ever end up getting carried away and doing something slightly risky, follow up and get tested three months later. If you ever end up doing something really risky (say, fucking without a condom, especially if you are the bottom, especially if the other guy actually cums inside you), you can go to the hospital or doctor’s office afterward and get meds that can reduce the chance that you might be have been infected. Talk to your doctor about it. Obviously you want to try not to do that risky stuff, but just in case it happens, it is good to know what options you have!
And if there is any way you can locate a gay doctor and start seeing him, that can be a great help too.
November 10, 2008 11:16 PM
HIV is a sad reality of our times, affecting millions worldwide. We’ve all seen the stats, numbers, and projections, yet no end is in sight, despite the huge efforts being made in the area, each and every day.
The efforts of PWA, ACT, and any number of other agencies in Toronto who are dedicated to both prevention efforts and making things better for those affected are to be appauded and supported; however, the at this juncture, prevention is still key. Certainly, many developments in “newer” drugs making HIV a “controllable medical situation” are important, but the reality is that while thankfully we are living longer, the community of those infected is continuing to grow. New efforts in promoting continued participation in the workforce and leading active productive lives, and therein, promotion of continued wellness is equally key, not to mention a way to reduce stigma through education of the public at large, through whatever means possible.
I am fortunate to work within the medical and rehab industry, and was luck to have had a ton of personal support when I decided that it was “time to disclose” - Murray - my personal thanks for your article many years ago on that issue - it was a BIG help! I also recognize that not everyone is in such a fortunate position as I am in this regard, and caution is obviously dictated, even with the protection any legislation offers. Disclosure is a highly personal issue, as fear of rejection from friends, colleagues, and associates is important to each and every one of us, as is their acceptance. I was lucky to receive support and acceptance, yet realize this isn’t always going to be the case for all, given one’s own personal situation.
Equally, with the protection that legislation may offer, comes responsibility arising from it. Deep-down, I think there has to be an admission that we are all human, and that in many cases, “unplanned” things may have transpired, while never being the up-front intention, without disclosure. Far too often, that moment of weakness leads to the inevitable, no matter how much it was intended to not be the case.
I have to totally agree that if things were easier for all concerned (in terms of stigma and discloure), it make the issue a lot easier for everyone, Far too often I see many guys online who indicate “not sure”, “don’t care”, or “no preference” - having known the reality of what I’ve been through these past few years, I couldn’t face myself if allowing myself to possibly, and knowingly, put someone else at personal risk in that way.
I think the best advice that I ever received was not trying to figure out exactly or who it was, but rather concentrating my efforts in my health, well-being, and that of those around me. Has it been easy to say do keep my promise in that regard - certainly NOT, but I remind myself of what I’ve gone through and not wanting to have to be the one to counsel that person should they subsequently find out they are now dealing with those same issues. It is a surprising source of strength in that way, and I often find myself counselling others online in that regard, especially ones who are not thinking of the consequences of their possible or potential actions in that way.
The up-side to all of this is that I have grown as a person, and no one will ever take that from me - that i am GRATEFUL for, and I am equally thankful to be able to continue to offer support to others in this regard. I will hope to so for some time to come, as I wish to offer assistance and support in that manner.
As a but if a last personal note, I will never forget working at the HIV/AIDS Conference in Toronto in 2006 when I got a hand-made, beaded keychain with a red ribbon in it’s design from a woman from Kenya -she was here to tell her family’s story - it was sad story, but she presented it as a strong woman dedicated to making things better for her grandchildren, who had lost both parents to HIV/AIDS. Her dedication to wanting to make things better for them and the world was clear - and I will always want to carry that on, not only for me and our community, but also for her and her grandchildren. Her dedication to life and making it better lives on, as does mine.
My best to all of you .. Dave
November 10, 2008 09:35 PM
Anonymous. That is so cool it’s not funny. I’m proud of ya. Play safe and stay in touch!
November 10, 2008 06:36 PM
hey everyone, i just got in from my test… and the results were negative. thank you so much for the information and advice. i ended up going to the planned parenthood of toronto clinic, they do free on site annonymous testing and they have walk ins, so it was really nice to be able to go there and get it done. the hassle free clinic is booked two weeks in advance and only books up to two weeks in advance, so basically if u call and theyre fully booked for the next two weeks, u have to try again the next day and hope u can get an appointment.
its so nice to know my status and to be able to confidently say that i am negative
thank u so much, hugs to all of u.
November 6, 2008 06:00 PM
thank you all so much. uve been really helpful
November 6, 2008 01:29 PM
Hi Anonymous
thanks for sharing your fears and questions in this forum. I’m glad it’s a safe place for you to do so and recognize that it’s not easy. Bob and Brian have responded with great comments and advice. I hope it’s been helpful. There is no question that getting tested is a scary thing. However anonymous testing does keep the results from being linked to your other health care providers, public health or anyone. If you’re ready to get tested, hopefully there’s someone that you could take with you or have available to follow up with after your appointment just for that extra support. If your test did turn out positive, your result would be private and you would choose who to share it with for support. It might be your family down the road but they wouldn’t need to know if they’re not the right choice to support you. In all likelihood, if you were to test positive, the impact on your life in the immediate future would be more emotional and stress than anything else. As well as monitoring and working with your health care providers to ensure you stay healthy.
No matter how long you are living with HIV, I think you always have that fear of potentially infecting someone. I’ve swatted a mosquito and the resulting smear of blood has given me that split second fear. In reality, it’s very difficult to transmit in these ways and any risk with your job would be addressed by the use of standard universal precautions that would be required in any case.
Hope this is all helpful food for thought. Regardless of the result, the stress that you’ve expressed will be gone once you’re ready to find out.
Drop us another line if you have questions or just to let us know how you’re doing with this and if we’ve been helpful.
If you’re reflecting on your fears, I’m assuming you’ve thought about the possible stigma that might come along with a possible HIV diagnosis. Do you have any fears or thoughts on that? We might be able to provide comments to further your thinking and emotions on the topic and you likely would give us some food for thought.
good luck
November 6, 2008 10:49 AM
Hi Anonymous,
I understand your fear, however as someone who has lived with virus for a long time such as the same with many of the other facilitators, I can tell you that I’ve never passed this on to anyone via paper cuts or anything alike.
The best thing is follow up on Bob’s suggestions and get more information. As Bob says, not knowing is the worst part, and not to discount what it’s like to receive a positive test result, I think those of us here are good role models to show that life does continue on. Information and counseling is the way to go and will be your best defense.
I used to co-ordinate an AIDS/STD line a long time ago, and this kind of conversation came up. These are all very normal kinds of feelings to have. Most people once they’ve had a chance to speak to someone feel much more reassured, and then can decide to get the test done. At least now you don’t have to wait two weeks imagining every possible scenario. This would be the period of time when I’d speak to people the most.
There is nothing that forces you to take the test after the pre-test counseling if you are not comfortable. There are many resources available to deal with whatever the outcome may be, so you are never alone.
November 5, 2008 09:16 PM
Hello, Anonymous. I hear your anxiety loud and clear. And I’m impressed you’ve raised these issues here. That’s a big - and brave - step.
First off, yes, you can get tested anonymously. In fact many guys go this route regularly. If downtwon Toronto works for you, Hassle Free Cinic would be a good place to check things out. They’re friendly, expert at handling concerns like yours and will be able to give you the kind of information and reassurance that I’m sensing you need. They are at 66 Gerrard Street East , 416-922-2018. Their website should give you more of an idea of what they offer, free of charge. Its’s here: http://www.hasslefreeclinic.org/
I’ve used them myself in the past - and I like them. Check them out.
They offer rapid testiing. That means you can have the results within a matter of minutes. But they will also talk to you beforehand and council you on what the results mean, and walk you through any concerns you have, such as about the risk of transmission etc. and the other issues you’ve raised.
Many of us have been in your situation, believe me, and often our fears are unfounded. But I’m thinking you’re doing the right thing by adressing them rather than letting those fears continue to bother you. I hope you are on your way to peace of mind. Good luck with it.
And feel free to ask more questions; we are all here to help.
November 4, 2008 11:08 PM
hi. im a 21 year old male in the greater toronto area and i have never been tested. i guess im scared of the result, not to mention im still living at home with my parents while i save up to move out, and i would worry about them finding out if the results were poz. if the results do come back poz, does it remain completely confidential? i am worried about spreading to other people, especially since i work with children, and if i were to get a small cut or something, and spread it to one of the kids, i dont know how i could live with myself. there are plenty of reasons why i should go and get tested, but i guess what i am trying to say is, if the results come back positive, how will that affect my life? who finds out? how confidential is it?