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Ok, so my last post was talking about a decision that I made about disclosing someone else’s HIV status to a friend. After weeding through what was a very uncomfortable situation for me (and it was, a VERY uncomfortable situation) I decided that it wasn’t my place to disclose. There was some discussion about my decision from all of you guys. Most people seemed to think that I did the “right” thing by not disclosing. I noticed that many people who commented didn’t seem to understand why this was such a hard question for me to come to terms with. I thought about this, and here is what I have . . .
Before I started working in the field of HIV/AIDS, the only thing I knew about being gay, or having sex was that you had to use a condom. That was about it. I knew this because everyone I ever “came out” to let me know that my being gay had something to do with HIV. Being a 23 year old gay guy who grew up in Toronto, I belong to a particular cohort of people who have been bombarded with safer-sex and condom use messaging to the point where anything else seems unnatural. It was only after I started working in the ASO realm that I started to understand some of the complexities that are involved in condom use and safer-sex negotiation. I began to see the world of sexual health as more complicated than the black and white “always use condoms – period!!” brand of sexual education.
As my life experiences take me to newer heights and I discover more about myself, those black and white messages become harder and harder to believe. Both in my work and in my personal life, I have seen the impacts of racism, language barriers, drugs and alcohol use, negative body image and other power imbalances on the ability of gay guys to advocate for their own sexual well-being. This campaign has forced me to think about HIV stigma in ways that I have not had to before.
So why am I talking about all of this? Well, let’s go back to my friend and his questions about his partner’s HIV status. I am not taking the stance of any HIV prevention superhero nor do I believe that it is my business to go around forcing anyone to disclose anything. But, given that as a friend I am privy to the weaknesses and lived behaviors of the people around me, as well as their complexities and barriers to advocating for their own protection – how could I be fine with not saying anything?
I agree, in an ideal world I would be able to workshop my friends into becoming proactive, informed and self-aware individuals that I never have to worry about. But the reality isn’t that simple. People have slip-ups that they regret all the time. If I can stop one person from becoming HIV positive, even if only for that one time – why shouldn’t I?
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December 19, 2008 02:41 PM
Rodger, I hear what you are saying, and aree. However Anonymous has brought up a good point about the place for building skills around having open conversations with the people we choose to be sexual with. I completely believe that condom use is important in keeping one another healthy in our sexual relationships, but as gay and bisexual men, it must be recognized that learning the negotiation part is a key peice of that condom use process, and that those conversations at times may include discussing HIV, STI, and relationship status etc. Throughout the blogs we’ve read how difficult sex and asking questions seems to be for both HIV-negative and HIV-positive men. Tim’s earlier post called it Too Polite to Ask, and Too Dangerous to Tell. These barriers seem to have us guys relying on assumptions about all kinds of things instead. I think this is something to explore in a future post.
December 19, 2008 01:03 PM
“I couldn’t live with the guilt of learning a friend of mine became positive upon my with-holding a vital piece of information that I was confronted about.”
Wouldn’t they have become positive from engaging in high-risk activities with you rather than because of what you said or didn’t say? Isn’t the solution to not engage in those activities. Depending on what you do, your status is not a vital piece of information to anyone.
December 19, 2008 11:58 AM
From an HIV+ person’s perspective, has anyone thought about the perspective of the person enquiring and their right to know what they’re getting themselves into when they’re sleeping with someone. Why not just ask the person you’re having sex with? If you don’t think you can trust this person enough to give you an honest answer, does it make sense to trust them with your well being. I believe no one should be subjected to forced disclosure but I couldn’t live with the guilt of learning a friend of mine became positive upon my with-holding a vital piece of information that I was confronted about. I could just go to the person and strongly suggest that he should let the friend know, since he is enquiring about it to other people. That way, you’ve still done your part without ‘outing’ someone’s status.
December 18, 2008 03:15 PM
Hi Vijay, I think Bob is right here. It must be much harder for a negative guy to make this kind of decision, and certainly because the focus in on looking out for a friend. The real issue then becomes one of perspective on the issue. Perhaps its harder to make this decision because it’s more difficult for you to see what disclosure, and especially non-voluntary disclosure, has on someone. I wish we could discuss this more on the site–a larger discussion of what disclosure means, what it can mean in a much broader sense, and most importantly the unintended consequences. This isn’t just about telling one your status in a sexual situation–trust me, it’s so much more. But trust me, I can understand your struggle here.
December 16, 2008 02:29 PM
Vijay posed this issue as a moral dilemma but he chose NOT to disclose the poz guy’s status. To us poz guys I suspect that decision’s very stragihtforward; it’s clear to us what is the right thing to do, and that’s to protect the confidentiality of people living with HIV. That’s a fairly basic civil rights issue. The fact that neg guy’s dont always see that civil rights issue in such clear terms and that they weigh this against neg guys’ safety issues is perhaps a reflection of societal values - both about civil rights and about HIV. I think Vijay approached this in a questioning mood, with his HIV prevention hat firmly on, but unavoidably influenced by societal values too. Good for him for stopping and thinking - and overcoming the urge to protect his friend in any way he can. He recognized, as Rodger says, that he just didnt have that right to dislclose anybody’s status. Nobody does, of course. But I think it must be harder for a neg guy with a strong prevention background to reach that decision than others, perhaps.
December 16, 2008 02:28 PM
Okay Vijay, let’s turn this around for a minute. Two problems I see here: first, you set a dangerous precedent as an informant–even though this is seemingly well-intentioned. Second, having set this precedent, what if you are faced with the possibility that someone being asked about is seemingly negative? We all know how reliable that kind of information can be. Think this through, please!! Why is this necessarily that much different than relying on disclosure directly. Some big problems!!
December 16, 2008 12:36 PM
I guess what bothers me most about this situation and the questions you raise is this: GIVEN WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT HIV and AIDS TODAY, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN HAVE TO FIND YOURSELF facing this dilemma? I mean, to be perfectly honest, Rodger is exactly right–to even have think about disclosing someone’s status to protect someone else implies that you (and many people, I expect) have friends who are doing little, if anything, to protect themselves. This makes me not only uncomfortable, but worried about who’s taking responsibility for things. And to reiterate another of Rodger’s points, how often is “malice” being masqueraded as “concern” in these situations. This is pretty FUCKED UP, if you ask me!!
December 16, 2008 06:01 AM
“If I can stop one person from becoming HIV positive, even if only for that one time – why shouldn’t I?”
Here’s the thing. You cannot stop someone else from becoming HIV-positive. You can influence them with smart discussion that encourages them to play safe, especially given how many potentially partners may be positive without even knowing it. You can encourage them to get tested together with their partner when things get more serious. You can encourage them to engage in open and honest communication in their relationships. But you can’t live their lives for them.
But outing people as poz as a way to think that someone is protecting other people? I don’t believe anything gives a person the right to do that. Because where does it stop? I’m sure you consider yourself, based on your work experience, in a good position to decide when such outing would be helpful or “necessary”. The thing is, so do all negative people. So many people have their own opinions about poz people and about risk and about the best way to protect their friends. Sometimes they are motivated by malice and misinformation about actual risk; sometimes they aren’t. But many still think they have the unreserved right to expose the health information of poz people based on any imagined risk. And they don’t have that right. Words can’t convey just how horrible, horrible, horrible and damaging and stigmatizing and unnecessary and unfair and presumptuous that attitude of theirs is. There is a chasm of power difference between poz and neg folks, and the power to out people based on a self-righteous approach (not saying that is your personal attitude at all but it is EXTREMELY common) is just the thin edge of the discriminatory and unjustified wedge.